Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
